Don't Pop The Pill If He Won't Share The Bill

Started by ININ, November 26, 2008, 09:40:30 AM

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ININ

Dear Abby printed Tue Nov 25.  Here is the article.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "All in Love Is Fair" (Oct. 1), asking your opinion about asking her boyfriend to pay for half the cost of her birth control pills, made me chuckle. I have been married for 28 years, but when my husband and I were going together, I paid for my birth control. One day when I was at the pharmacy and my birth control method went from the conveyer belt to the bagger, she remarked how expensive it was. I just smiled and said, "Not as expensive as a baby!" The checker cracked up. I think you gave the writer the correct answer. -- BEEN THERE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thanks for your support, but we are definitely in the minority. I heard from one other reader who agreed with us. On the other hand, thousands of men and women wrote that my answer was sexist and outdated. Please forgive my lapse, folks. I admit that while my batting average may be pretty fair, I am not "pitch" perfect. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I preach equal responsibility for birth control to both my daughters and my son! Shame on you for telling "All in Love" that paying for birth control is only the woman's responsibility. It is the responsibility of both partners. Only when men are as concerned about preventing unwanted pregnancies as women will there be fewer unwanted (and often abused) children and single welfare mothers. Please rethink this. -- JEAN W., FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: It's bad enough that women usually have to deal with the birth control issue, but having to pay 100 percent of the cost is absurd. Men should kick in toward other forms of birth control, as they reap the benefits. Likewise, a woman should split the cost of condoms.

Perhaps "All in Love Is Fair" should tell her boyfriend it's now his turn to take care of the birth control and offer to split the cost of the vasectomy. -- REBECCA IN ATLANTA

DEAR ABBY: I work in the area of unintended pregnancy prevention. One of the biggest hurdles this country faces in tackling the problem is getting males to shoulder their responsibility in preventing unintended pregnancy. You have set the field back with your response.

Men who insist that birth control is solely the responsibility of the woman aren't mature enough to be having sex. If the boyfriend is unwilling to contribute toward preventing pregnancy, she should stop having sex with him. -- S.S. IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that a personal prescription drug should not be a shared expense if it's for an illness. But pregnancy is not an illness. Not having children is the responsibility of both parties involved, just as having children is the responsibility of both. Please tell her "Don't pop the pill if he won't share the bill!" -- PAUL IN LA PORTE, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: When my boyfriend and I became sexually active in college, he went with me to Planned Parenthood and waited while I saw the doctor. He paid half the cost of the birth control device, saying, "This is for our pleasure together, and it protects us from becoming parents before we're ready. It's my responsibility, too." I knew right then that he really loved me, because he cared about my future.

That sweet, honorable boy grew up into a loving and supportive husband. We've been happily married almost 20 years. -- MARISSA IN PALO ALTO

Thoughts and comments?

Steve.Young

Personally, I'd pay for half of it. Whether or not it is a social or etiquette responsibility I'm not so sure. People have a lot of differing opinions on etiquette as it is, add in the responsibility of birth control and I don't wanna be there for the people like in the news articles who get really opinionated and angry.
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ewu

Honestly it really depends on the two people and the relationship they have. I have perfectly willing to pay for all of it, but shouldn't a relationship be more than who pays for what?

Damn, our stupid materialistic society! Even something as pure as love has been tainted....(oh, also hallmark and that day in Feburary)
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SOawesomeness

... HAHA. Poor Abby. xD

Although if it was expensive enough, I would probably ask the male in the relationship to at least pitch in from time to time. Otherwise, too bad for him. :0 (Like a dinner thing. Pay for the bill, split it, every other one you pay for...)
But if I was angry, I'd probably suggest to get surgery for him...
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Jun-Watarase

I agree with ewu on this one. It really depends on the relationship. I've always had to pay for my own birth contraceptives in past relationships, but as for responsibility, it's equally both partners to do their part in preventing a pregnancy... when it's a committed relationship, that is. If a girl is going around and casually seeing other people, then it'd probably be more practical to take the responsibility of providing herself with birth control, whereas many guys probably carry around a condom in their wallet for the same reason. Since Mikey is financially dominant in this relationship, he normally takes up the bill for many of my things. Poor guy.

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otakuapprentice

both sides need to be prepared, more so the man than the woman.
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Runewitt

i can see no problems with paying a fair amount in a relationship, for anything. its non-material, its integrity. i dont really know what the Pill costs, because as a guy, i havent used it. if talu-chan wanted me to help pay for it, i'd open my wallet in a heartbeat. that isnt saying that i dont want children, and would do anything possible om my side to prevent it, its just that we know we arent ready for that kind of responsibility.
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Jun-Watarase

Quote from: Runewitt on November 27, 2008, 10:54:08 PM
that isnt saying that i dont want children, and would do anything possible om my side to prevent it, its just that we know we arent ready for that kind of responsibility.

Having children is a huge responsibility and can possibly ruin a person/couple's life if they aren't prepared, so you shouldn't have to worry if it comes off as you not wanting to have kids. (Unless your girlfriend has been pushing you to have kids with her and you're concerned about her feelings on it, etc.) It's you looking out for yourself and your partner for a huge number of reasons. It's very stressful both emotionally and physically for a woman to be pregnant, whether or not you plan on an abortion. Guys also tend to feel that "it's their fault" that their girlfriends became pregnant when it happens, so that becomes immensely stressful as well. Abortions tend to be very rough on a woman's body, not to mention, expensive with our country's economy and lack of good health insurance, so paying for birth control would probably be more within a person's budget as opposed to abortion or raising a child.

I don't feel that it's any more responsibility on the guy's part than the girl's, or vise versa. Sex is a mutual activity, and you can't really get pregnant without both a man and a woman, so safe sex and birth control is of equal responsibility in a committed relationship.

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Ruby

#8
I guess it's okay to pay half and half. I haven't had to pay (yet) for my birth control pills. That'll change though once I'm actually employed and able to. Honestly though, even if I had to pay, I don't care if I have to go half and half or pay the full price myself. I use my birth control for more than just making sure I get no babies before I'm ready. It also helps regulate periods as well, and lessens cramping pains. Which I get severe ones of and was the original reason I got my pills.
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ewu

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Jun-Watarase

Quote from: Ruby on November 27, 2008, 11:32:28 PM
It also helps regulate periods as well, and lessens cramping pains.

Well, also, couples should look into what type of birth control is ideal for them. I can't take any form of birth control that'd overwhelm me with hormones, as I'd get sick for weeks to months, which tends to get in the way of daily activities. The pill also makes women gain weight, and with me, it caused me to be perpetually nauseous, throw up periodically, cramp on a regular basis from the nausea, etc. It'd also cause me to undergo extreme depression and make me absolutely sick to smoke/smell smoke (though probably most of you wouldn't care about smoking.) TMI. Benefits are that they regulate periods, help prevent acne, protection against ovarian cancer, and of course, prevent pregnancy.

There's other birth contraceptives like depo-provera, nuva ring, the patch, caps, implanons, plan b, IUDs, and condoms.

And there are more advanced, though riskier, birth control methods like learning about fertility awareness, where a couple becomes familiar with the woman's cycle and when they're most fertile, when their period begins and ends, and when it's very unlikely to become pregnant-- but as long as semen comes in contact with the cervix, there's always a risk despite it being unlikely. There's also the withdrawal method, which is safe if done properly, but people do have accidents.

Actually, any contraceptive outside of the pill, depo-provera, and sterilization can possibly become prone to an accident. Anything inserted, including IUDs can move, implanons may fail, condoms can tear, etc. Not to try to make anyone too paranoid, because as important as it is to be safe, stressing over something unlikely isn't healthy, and a lot of people actually avoid having sex because they're too paranoid. :|

As long as both people within the couple are well-educated and responsible enough to maintain safe sex, prevent accidents, and just simply not become pregnant, then it's all good. Unless someone has an STD-- then you'd need condoms for sure.

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Runewitt

Quote from: Jun-Watarase on November 27, 2008, 11:30:37 PM
{snip'd to prevent excessive page lenghts}
It was a mutual decision. i've seen the results of having children when you arent prepared, my sister is 30, has two kids, is single and currently unemployed, though that has nothing to do with the kids.
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ININ

If I see a man buys a box of condoms and the woman opens her wallet and offers to help pay, she's a winner in my book.

Stormfalcon

Quote from: ININ on December 04, 2008, 12:43:06 AM
If I see a man buys a box of condoms and the woman opens her wallet and offers to help pay, she's a winner in my book.

Feh.  Condoms are cheap compared to the kinds of birth control women have to put up with.  That, and relying on condoms alone is pretty damn stupid.  Not as stupid as unprotected sex,  but still stupid since condoms can break, develop holes, etc.

It's the man who helps out the woman with the cost of her birth control who's the winner.
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Jun-Watarase

#14
Quote from: Stormfalcon on December 04, 2008, 09:22:09 AM
Feh.  Condoms are cheap compared to the kinds of birth control women have to put up with.  That, and relying on condoms alone is pretty damn stupid.  Not as stupid as unprotected sex,  but still stupid since condoms can break, develop holes, etc.

Yeah, there are risks with pretty much any birth control though, except sterilization or regular dosage of bc pills. Condoms, for the most part, are very reliable, and only tend to break if you don't use them properly... e.g. poor application, "double bagging", passed expiration date, etc. It's good to play safe, but being too paranoid could take away from the experience. Condoms are usually are enough. If an accident occurs, there's always Plan B, and in regard to how often an accident with a condom would occur, having Plan B would probably be more practical.

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Nyxyin

#15
Quote from: ININ on December 04, 2008, 12:43:06 AM
If I see a man buys a box of condoms and the woman opens her wallet and offers to help pay, she's a winner in my book.
In my book, paying for the condoms without sharing the responsibility of bringing them isn't enough to qualify as "win".  What if, in the heat of the moment, the boy suddenly realizes that he ran out of condoms?  There are some very major differences between birth control pills and condoms, and I wouldn't consider the situation you described to be a winning scenario.  It's not enough to just buy the condoms: they have to be on hand at the right times too.  By itself, putting down money doesn't fundamentally solve any problems.  With the nature of humankind these days, money seems to be far easier to come by than responsibility.

In any case, I believe that anybody of any gender who wants to be having sex (and isn't trying to have a baby) should buy their own condoms and keep some on hand.  Unlike birth control pills, condoms are still useful no matter who brings them.  If either party fails to bring condoms, it's still useful for the other to be able to provide.  (In contrast, if the girl doesn't take her birth control, the boy's just out of luck.)  The only good reasons for any active heterosexual to not carry their own condoms are (1) they want children or (2) they're sure that they would prefer to not have sex.

Again, everybody who wants to have sex should carry their own condoms.  It's just that important.

Quote from: Stormfalcon on December 04, 2008, 09:22:09 AMrelying on condoms alone is pretty damn stupid.  Not as stupid as unprotected sex,  but still stupid since condoms can break, develop holes, etc.
Frankly, it's "pretty damn stupid" to expect to have sex without also expecting some possibility of conception.  Conception is always a gamble (whether you want it or want to avoid it).  Even with birth control, condoms, AND morning-after pills, conception can still happen, especially among people who want sex the most.  (Raging hormones seem to correspond with high fertility.)  The overall success rate of the morning-after pill is only around 75%.  The success rate of condoms (with perfect use) is only 97%.  The success rate of birth control pills (with perfect use) is 96%.  That still leaves a 0.03% chance that, even if a couple uses pills and condoms perfectly all the time and get a morning-after pill as a backup plan, conception can still occur.  At "typical use", the chance is closer to 2%.  Doing the math, if a couple has sex merely once per week, then they're still statistically likely to conceive within a year assuming "typical use" of all three methods combined.

I think people should talk about their opinions about what to do with a potential baby before having sex at all, no matter how much birth control is used.

Quote from: Jun-Watarase on December 04, 2008, 03:14:32 PMIt's good to play safe, but being too paranoid could take away from the experience. Condoms are usually are enough.
I agree that it's good to play it safe and that condoms are usually enough (where "usually" is something like 80-97% of the time).  Furthermore, birth control pills are just not an option for some girls because it makes them sick.  Hormones mess with the entire body, and medical science doesn't fully understand all the systems that the pills affect.  While most girls are fine on the pill (and some, like me, thrive on the pill), it's not always necessarily safe for all girls.

However, I don't think it's "paranoid" or would "take away from the experience" to double-check birth control use before having sex.


In any case, as others have already mentioned, each couple should decide for itself who pays for what.  Furthermore, for any given individual, the decision even change from relationship to relationship, or even from stage to stage as a relationship progresses.  Depending on the nature of the relationship and reasons for using birth control, someone might want to start off by paying for the whole thing but end up sharing the cost.  Deciding how to share financial decisions is just a part of having a relationship.



By the way, here is the original letter:
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20081001
QuoteDEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. We split all the bills -- rent, utilities, etc. -- in half.

A few nights ago I asked him how he felt about paying for half my birth control pills, which amounts to $40 a month. Because neither of us is ready for children, I think we should share the expense.

Am I out of line to ask my boyfriend to split the cost with me? This has become a hot topic at work. The guys don't agree with me, and surprisingly, most of the women don't, either. What is your take on this? -- ALL IN LOVE IS FAIR

DEAR ALL: As I see it, there are two kinds of expenses when people share a dwelling: joint expenses and those that are personal. Prescription drugs usually fall into the latter category. Unless you are prepared to pay half the cost of his prescription drugs -- including Viagra --- my advice is to back down on this one.

I think the circumstances surrounding the question are important, and I don't see how people can have a serious discussion about the letter without the full details.  If "All" thinks it's fair, then I think she has every right -- and every responsibility -- to bring up the topic and ask her boyfriend how he feels about paying half of the birth control.  Since they're already at the financial sharing stage, no matter what decisions are made, it's good to open the discussion.  I very strongly disagree with Abby and all of the girl's coworkers because they seemed to imply that the girl was wrong to even ask about the boyfriend's feelings on the matter.  It makes me wonder if Abby and the girl's coworkers all have problematic relationships.  I think good communication is essential to a good relationship, and I don't think it's ever wrong to honestly ask how the other person feels.

sysadmin

Quote from: Nyxyin on December 04, 2008, 05:04:48 PM
Doing the math, if a couple has sex merely once per week, then they're still statistically likely to conceive within a year assuming "typical use" of all three methods combined.

This isn't true.  If a condom is cited as "97% effective", it does not mean that 3% of women who have sex will automatically get pregnant.  See this link for an example.

If you want to claim that "combining all birth control methods + human foibles" results in an average of "98% effective", that's one thing (although I'd like a citation).  But to claim that "statistically likely to conceive in one year" is outright bad math.



ewu

haha I like it. It basically means that it don't matter how often you have intercourse, if you are that 3 in 100, you will get preggo. Actaully, the more you have sex the less likely you are to get pregnant as you become more familiar with the contraceptives and use them more and better. (no study to accompany that conclusion)
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Jun-Watarase

Quote from: Nyxyin on December 04, 2008, 05:04:48 PM
Quote from: Stormfalcon on December 04, 2008, 09:22:09 AMrelying on condoms alone is pretty damn stupid.  Not as stupid as unprotected sex,  but still stupid since condoms can break, develop holes, etc.
Frankly, it's "pretty damn stupid" to expect to have sex without also expecting some possibility of conception.  Conception is always a gamble (whether you want it or want to avoid it).  Even with birth control, condoms, AND morning-after pills, conception can still happen, especially among people who want sex the most.  (Raging hormones seem to correspond with high fertility.)  The overall success rate of the morning-after pill is only around 75%.  The success rate of condoms (with perfect use) is only 97%.  The success rate of birth control pills (with perfect use) is 96%.  That still leaves a 0.03% chance that, even if a couple uses pills and condoms perfectly all the time and get a morning-after pill as a backup plan, conception can still occur.  At "typical use", the chance is closer to 2%.  Doing the math, if a couple has sex merely once per week, then they're still statistically likely to conceive within a year assuming "typical use" of all three methods combined.

I think people should talk about their opinions about what to do with a potential baby before having sex at all, no matter how much birth control is used.

While I agree that couples that engage in sex can still be in some minor risk of becoming pregnant, I don't agree with it being actually likely of it happening based on the math, especially with your example of "if a couple has sex merely once per week, then they're still statistically likely to conceive within a year". The statistics refer to all the women who take the pill, rather than each individual's likeliness to become pregnant based on their activity.

EDIT: Sysadmin's link sort of sums it up in basic.

Quote from: Nyxyin on December 04, 2008, 05:04:48 PM
Quote from: Jun-Watarase on December 04, 2008, 03:14:32 PMIt's good to play safe, but being too paranoid could take away from the experience. Condoms are usually are enough.
I agree that it's good to play it safe and that condoms are usually enough (where "usually" is something like 80-97% of the time).  Furthermore, birth control pills are just not an option for some girls because it makes them sick.  Hormones mess with the entire body, and medical science doesn't fully understand all the systems that the pills affect.  While most girls are fine on the pill (and some, like me, thrive on the pill), it's not always necessarily safe for all girls.

However, I don't think it's "paranoid" or would "take away from the experience" to double-check birth control use before having sex.

Perhaps I didn't word it as well as I should've. I do feel that it's necessary to check for security before engaging in sex-- but, like you've mentioned, some girls get sick from taking the pill (unfortunately, I'm one of those girls). Piling on different types of birth control adds to the security, but if it's an inconvenience, like from all the side-effects that some girls experience with the hormones in some birth control, then it would take away from the experience, as well as possibly the rest of their day-to-day lives. I called it "paranoid" because I didn't feel that it's fair for Stormfalcon to say that couples are stupid for not using more than a condom, which I've mentioned as pretty effective on its own. I don't have anything against people who do go through the lengths to use double or more protection to prevent pregnancy. Security is a good thing. Condoms do a good amount to add to a couple's security. Using condoms by themselves is still reasonable, and not stupid.

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Stormfalcon

*shrugs*  I stand by what I said, though.  Yes, condoms can be fairly effective, but it's much better to have something else in conjunction with that condom, and just relying on that condom by itself is not a smart thing to do.  The number of scares I've had in my youth, when I was in the habit of relying on the condom by itself convinced me of that.  Condoms are better than nothing.  Condoms when used with other birth control are much, much better than condoms by themselves.
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