The All Purpose Television Quote Thread.

[G.I.R]

Eek:   Sure!  It never hurts to help!


Eek The Cat.

[G.I.R]

Francis: Okay, I'm going to show you guys the coolest thing you have even seen.
           Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of Dewey's stuffed animals.             
           The furrier the better.



Malcolm in the Middle.

[Liquid]

When you're a little kid, you're a little bit of everything. Artist, scientist, athlete, scholar... Sometimes it seems like growing up is the process of giving those things up. One by one. I guess we all have one thing we regret giving up. One thing we really miss. That we gave up because we were too lazy or, we couldn't stick it out or, because we were afraid.

- The Wonder Years



You know "I told you so" has a brother, his name is Shut The Hell Up!

- Mr. Burns (Simpsons)



'I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman

- homer simpson



You know, a moo point. It's like a cow's opinion; it doesn't matter.

- Joey on Friends



Joey- You wanna help?
Phoebe-I wish i could but i really dont want to

- Friends (1994)

[G.I.R]

Mr. Horse:  No sir!   I don't like it!


The Ren and Stimpy Show.

[Liquid]

My son is not a communist...he may be stupid and he may be a communist but he is NOT a pornstar!

- Grandpa Simpson (to Homer Simpson) in the Simpsons



When life gives you lemons..SHUT UP and eat your d*** lemons!

- House MD



TAG: Phoebe. That's a nice name.
PHOEBE: You think that's nice, you should hear my phone number.

- Friends!!!



Everyone's family is embarrassing. And if they're not embarrassing then they're dead.

- Kitty, 'That 70's Show'



Elliot: My life is a mess!
J.D.: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute?
Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.

- Scrubs



The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle,
they're on TV.

- Homer Simpson



This plan is so complicated I can't even begin to know what i'm talking about.

- Peter Griffin (Family Guy)



Monica: "well, that's the last box of your clothes. I think I label it 'What were you thinking?'"
Rachael: "Funny, I was just about to go across the hall and write that on Chandler(monica's boyfriend)"

- FRIENDS!



Dr. Kelso: I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.
Dr. Clock: Gracias, Señor.
Dr. Kelso: You're welcomo.

- Scrubs



Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers!

- Homer Simpson



"Daddy loves you, Honey. But Daddy also loves Star Trek, and by all means, Star Trek was here first."

- Peter Griffin - Family Guy

[G.I.R]

Lois:     Peter, I don't think keeping a horse in the house is a good idea.
Peter    Shut up Lois!     You don't know nuthin'
                                                                 ... about anything!
           You'll see, this horse will be a fine addition to our family.

(the horse urinates)

Peter:   You know what, I don't want him to feel self-conscious, everybody pee.
Lois:     Peter, we--
Peter:   Everybody pee, now!
Stewie: We're an unusual family.

[DentyneIce408]

Jeff: So what are you Ackmed?

Ackmed: A terrorist.

Jeff: What kind of terrorist?

Ackmed: A terrifying terrorist. Are you scared?

Jeff: No.

Ackmed: AGH! You scared now?

Jeff: Nope.

Ackmed: RAWR! How about now?

Jeff: Not really...

Ackmed: God damn it... No, I mean Ala damn it.

Ackmed: Silence! I kill you!

Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity

[Runewitt]

Walter: ahem.. Welcome to Walmart. Get your $$$$ and get out!

Jeff Dunham: argueing with myself

[Liquid]

Jose: Jose Jalepeño.....on a steeck!

- Jeff Dunham

[BrightHeart76]

"Good God!  Who's manning the Internet?"  Stan Smith when entering a Sci-Fi Convention

American Dad

[G.I.R]

Stan watching football:

Stan:       No!  No!  NO!   Do you want to be a loser for life?
Francine:  Hmm?  What?  Were you talking to me?
Stan:       No, I was talking to football.  You meet or exceed my expectations.


American Dad.

[G.I.R]

Hank:   How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?
Dale:    Open up your eyes, man. They're trying to control global warming. Get it? "Global?"
Hank:   So what?
Dale:    That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what the temperature's going to be in our outdoors.
            I say let the world warm up, let's see what Boutros Boutros Ghali Ghali has to say about that.
            We'll grow oranges in Alaska!
Hank:   Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas! It's already 110 in the summer,
           and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm going to kick your ass!



King of the Hill.

[BrightHeart76]

Dr. House: Sorry, up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase: How come you're not in your office?
Dr. House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.

[Runewitt]

Jim: Well, i like to play chess.... and screw.

Bart: Okay, lets play chess.


Blazing Saddles

[rude32]

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah

Family Guy

[G.I.R]

Brian:  (applauding)  Bravo Peter, you're the Spalding Grey of crap.

[Runewitt]

Stewie: ITS WHERE I KEEP MY MENTOS!

[G.I.R]

Killface:  No!  You cannot "has cheeseburger"!


Frisky Dingo

[G.I.R]

Barney:   This is going to be "Legend-...                 ... wait for it...            ...ary"!

Neil Patrick Harris:  How I Met Your Mother.

[Liquid]

Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!
Ted: What!? [Ted begins to laugh]
Barney: No, No, No. We are not laughing about this Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like 'remember that time when you were grinding with'-No. And do you know why; because italics, [Barney holds his hand up and then slants them to an angle] this night did not happen.


Robin: [She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?
Barney: [Looks up] Horrible.
Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.
Barney: You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." So ladies... slut up!


-How I Met Your Mother.