Topics

[I believe that it would be of great benefit to the convention community to create a forum guidebook on "inter-gender" communication :)]

Hello!
I was stalking the forums, and I realized that there is a whole lot of miscommunication out there in the nerdy-flirty-world. I (now) understand that guys hate being misconstrued as "flirting/creeping" by girls perhaps more than girls hate feeling creeped on. I have to admit after some reflection, and after 7 years of con attendance, I believe with full sincerity that most (key word being most) of the "creepers" I've encountered are just socially slow "older" men.

I believe that it would be of great benefit to the convention community to create a forum guidebook on "inter-gender" communication :)
However I am just one (younger) girl, with one viewpoint: SO LEND YOUR AID :))

You may look at my older posts, and you will see that I am one of those girls who complained about being creeped on a few years back, however I'd like to think I have gained more knowledge of the situation, and am now coming to a more inclusive conclusion.

ONWARDS (to the real topic, i'll start us off)

A) HOW NOT TO BE A CREEPER (But let's not make "not creeper" our baseline):
I ran across this post that spurred me to make this topic-

how do you guys generally define "creeper"? I was balling up my courage to take a photo of various cosplayers and I may have think I have weirded them out in some way.

I know this may not seem helpful at first, but I generally define a creeper as someone whose actions actually or potentially (as in "if they knew about it," not as in "if someone somewhere could possibly be creeped out by this," since that woul make everyone a creeper with everything they do!) creep out or make uncomfortable (or scared, etc.) another party, typically a female party, though this isn't exclusive to men creeping out women (or young girls), since there are female creepers, and males can get creeped on by both females and other males.

Now for ways to tell if you are being creepy, and hopefully how to avoid them. Some things are clearly creepy, like taking upskirt photos of girls without them knowing (I think this falls pretty squarely into the "potential" category above!). Some things aren't, since it's all subjective. The basic rule of not being creepy is this: if the person you are interacting with seems uncomfortable in any way with the interaction, you are very likely being a creeper. Again, it's all subjective, and things that might not be creepy at all in another circumstance might seem creepy because this Princess Peach is -really- trying to go meet their friend and you just won't shut up about how much you love Mario RPG, yet if she wasn't distracted by trying to get somewhere, she might find the exact conversation to be enjoyable. When she finally meets her friends, she might say "I would have been here earlier, but wow, there was this creepy guy who just wouldn't shut up about Mario RPG!" simply because you couldn't read the signs that she was not comfortable with the conversation (in this case, for a specific reason that has nothing to do with your actions).

Some basic tips: Watch your eyes and tone of voice. People, especially women, and even more especially attractive women who get hit on a lot, notice the use of the Gaze. Your eye movements might make the person you are interacting with feel uncomfortably objectified or otherwise violated in some way. You'll have to keep that in mind. Of course, most women who wear sexy cosplays know what they are getting into and don't mind people to see what they are revealing; otherwise, they wouldn't wear it. Most people wouldn't mind just looking. However, when it crosses the line into gawking or oogling, which can be subjective but the basic concept is "don't stare, especially at her body, look at her face while talking to her," it becomes a problem. Also, tone of voice can be an issue, since a normal conversation with a different inflection can be taken as innocent or creepy, depending.

Watch what you say. This can be everything from blatently hitting on someone to simply acting odd (such as being too prying, too argumentative, etc.). This year, I had someone who talked to me a bit, left, came back, and started grilling me on things like why I prefer certain video games or why I live where I do in comparison to my major in college (I have no problem telling people basic info like the general area of CA where I reside or what I study in school, but that's about as personal as I get), and the more I tried to evade the questions, the more insistent he became. Don't be that guy. If someone seems to be evading your questions, doesn't seem to want to talk about something, you think you might be getting too personal, etc., if you keep interacting with that person in the same way, you are probably being a creeper. Also, if you just walk up to someone and start commenting on their looks or make obviously sexual comments, you might be creepin', depending on how they feel about it. In fact, you will most likely be creepin'. If you want to comment on something to start a conversation, start with talking about whatever series or character they are from, or if you don't know what it is, compliment how you like their costume and ask them what it is from or how the made it. Most people like to talk about things they like, and if you make the conversation less about them, their looks, etc., and more about their costume or the series they are from, they are much less likely to find you creepy. You most likely already have something in common, since you are at the same con together!

Don't touch people. Just don't. Don't grab at anything, even an arm or shoulder, don't hug without permission (and if the person doesn't give permission, don't act all pouty or insist on a hug or anything like that, just walk away), etc.

Treat people like people and act like a person. Cosplayers are people in costume, not characters, and not pretty things for your amusement. A lot of people seem to forget this. Also, don't act like an idiot yourself. I know that I find it refreshing when someone talks to me when I'm in costume like they would anyone off the street, rather than treating me like I'm the character or treating me like I'm an object. Actually, I'd say that treating a person like a person is probably my #1 tip on how to not be a creeper. If you keep that in mind, you're likely to be fine, given that you have any semblance of social skills or ability to read body langauge at all.

A small note that you may not realize (and I touched on earlier a bit) is that it may not be personal. The person you want to interact with could be distracted or in a hurry. If it is a female cosplayer, especially a particularly attractive one, she may be defensive because she's been hit on by every other heterosexual male in the convention and doesn't want to be hit on again. However, if someone seems uncomfortable with your interaction, politely excuse yourself from that interaction. Leave. Don't hang around and make them even more uncomfortable. That's what makes someone a creeper -- making others uncomfortable with your attentions towards them. You can be a creeper right off the bat, too, just don't make sexual advances right away, oogle people, take inappropriate photos, etc., and you should be fine there. You don't seem to be worried about being that kind of creeper, anyway.



When simply taking a photo and not interacting in another way, it's really easy to -not- be a creeper. Don't hang around awkwardly, either before or after. Don't ask for odd poses or take really low- or high-angle shots. Ask confidiently and smoothly, or, if the cosplayer is already posing for pics (especially if there is a crowd of photographers), simply hold up your camera and kind of point to it to let them know that you are joining the fray. If there is a big crowd of photogs, don't try talking to the cosplayer while they are posing and while there are still photogs around (as a cosplayer, I can tell you that they tend to come in waves, so you can easily wait for a small gap), and if you want to talk to them, stand off to the side and wait, don't just stand there and stare at them. Only take pics when the cosplayer is actually posing, don't just snap them off randomly. It's really basic, but it really helps. I can't speak for "most cosplayers," but I can say that I don't creeped out by a simple photo request unless the photog breaks one or more of these guidelines (typically more, unless it's something like hanging around for long periods before and after photos, not saying anything, or if someone were to attempt an upskirt shot or down cleavage shot or something).

When asking for photos -with- someone, please make it clear that you are asking for a photo -with- them and not -of- them. Also, ask before you touch the cosplayer. Always. Please. This is important. I don't tend to take pictures with fans except on rare occasion (say, they are a huge fan of whatever obscure JRPG I'm cosplaying, or they are 6 years old, or they are another cosplayer who might have something matching [I got matching large hammer shots with the Thor cosplayer, for example], etc.), but I started to this year because so many people were asking for a pic of me and then jumping into the shot themselves. This is even worse when they then proceed to put their arms around with without permission, since I really don't like to be touched (and some of my costumes are fragile). Again, if the cosplayer seems uncomfortable, say, they are trying to squirm away from your grip, watch for that and apologize.

Basically, if you aren't socially inept, aren't making unwanted sexual advances (a lot of "creepiness" tends to have sexual overtones), and are treating people like people, you should be fine. This post may seem a bit long, but really, it's not nearly as hard as it seems.

And really, if some random person thinks you are a creeper for a single, innocent interaction, then that's more their problem than yours. You can't help that. But if someone thinks you are being a creeper, take a look at what you are doing and try to see how it could be interpreted as such, and work on changing on that. A lot of people don't seem to realize when they are being a creeper, so if someone thinks you are, don't just dismiss it, see if you were doing something (say, you didn't realize you were staring at her breasts, or you said something that could come across as inappropriate, etc.) that would make the person think that.

I hope that helps!

B) MOST GIRLS WANT TO MEET PEOPLE TOO! (or at least they should): I'll try and keep this brief since I want this to be a collaboration, but I believe that people go to cons to meet people with similar interests and have a great time. Some of my greatest friends are people I've met at cons over the years. I wish more people came up and talked to me, and I'm sure many other girls feel the same way.

Some guy should post that guys wouldn't mind having a girl come up and talk to them *wink wink*

I realize this is totally terrible structure but I don't really post in forums so I'm not an expert at these things. If anyone has a better layout idea that would be awesome.

I'm dying guys! (not really but...)
6 days stand between me and fanime...called FINALS WEEK :(
and I'm suffering from a serious case of post-con depression (yes its a all year 'round thing)

So...I'd like to hear fun stories about last years con to make the wait a little more enjoyable!
Please share!

 :'(
i decided to post this...after much angst
i started attending fanime 3 years ago (before that i went to smaller conventions)
is this rising number of perverted older men due to the fact that i'm getting older...or because there is a growing population of fanime-creepers?

i think there should be a "creeper protection squad" or something that walks around and taps guys on the shoulder that are getting...frisky?
JKJKJK i'm joking but...

is this just me?
p.s
i know that i could "report" people...but that would just seem like a cruel and unusual punishment